Reflection: First Year

Hey Earthbugs,

We have a reflective post today and I thought it was perfect timing as I finished first year a couple of days ago so I decided to look back on what I expected and what happened. There's a chance it may get a tad length so flick the kettle on and let's get comfy. 

University was always this huge thing when I was little and big people did it and there was only a select few people who went there and to be honest, it was completely mind boggling. My hopes for secondary school were based unrealistically on Grease, High School Musical, Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging and what not, maybe without the singing and I have to say, it was a bit of a let down. Everyone always said that secondary school would be the best five years of your life and although I look back on some of them fondly, if I had to accept the years between the ages of 11 and 16 as the best ones of my entire life then goodness gracious me, I think I'll just give up now.  

I transferred these hopes onto university and thought "hey, maybe uni is my time to shine", but I was also crippled with this overwhelming feeling of "what if people don't like me?". Secondary school years are the best of your life and uni, that's where you make friends for life. I couldn't shake the feeling of everyone just hating me, which is odd for me because I like to think that people like me for me and if they don't like me then I'm not really missing out on anything, because why would you want a friend who hated you? The thought was also going around my head that because I'm not too fussed about going out drinking that no one would be interested in knowing me, I now know this was harsh for me to think that. Don't get me wrong, I love a gin and tonic and would be happy meeting my friends in a pub for a couple of drinks but "going out" has never really appeared to me and when I've said this before people have looked at me like I have four heads because I'm young and obviously what else is there for me to do? Long story short, I was excited for this new chapter but also, absolutely terrified. 

Semester 1

My first proper day at uni was a bit odd, I managed to get incredibly lost walking from the train station to where I was supposed to be but I like to blame this entirely on Google maps because it was slow and I kept missing my turns. I bought a very expensive meal deal from Marks and Sparks but did find a love for pink lady apple juice then sat on a wall outside the library wondering how the bloody hell I was supposed to get in without a student card and was far too scared to ask. Then I attached myself to two girls who I recognised as being in the same group as myself and I haven't left them yet (I like to think they don't mind). I had a computer induction session and then "lost" my phone, it turned out to be in my pocket... 

I joined a society when I started, a society that I found on the student's union website before I started and was very excited to join. I was looking forward to it but it let me down a bit. I went and tried to talk to people but felt like it wasn't natural conversation a lot of the time, this is nothing against the people there really they were lovely but I just felt like it wasn't for me. Initially, I was pretty gutted because I'd had it planned to go there since I even got a place at Hallam but it just wasn't meant to be. Although I haven't returned to the society since Christmas, I do still do the activity and have improved a lot. 

It was going well but I didn't feel like I belonged, it was odd because I had these people who I was talking to and making friends with but that was it really. I turned, went to seminars and left and then I was back in my own bubble. I wasn't overly happy, but I thought "well, this isn't too bad. I can do it for three years" but then it made me sad because I never wanted to look at my time at uni as being "there's only this time period left". I wanted it to be something I enjoyed, something I looked back on with the happiest of memories. 
I promise this gets cheerier soon, just a bit more to struggle through. 

Semester 1 was over. Assignments were complete and there was just exams to do after Christmas. I could hide in the comfort of being at home and the run up to Christmas and being away from all the confusion that surrounded me. I'm not going to lie, I considered dropping out and trying to find an alternative somewhere, somehow. Then I got my results back and I didn't fail anything but I didn't feel like my results reflected how hard I'd worked and how stressed I'd been. I was almost certain that this was it and I was going to drop out because what on earth could be worth all this stress? What could be worth putting so much pressure on myself I feel like I'm going to snap? Surely there was an alternative. However, I knew I would never have forgiven myself if I didn't last at least until the end of first year, if I didn't give it a proper go. Dropping out wasn't an option for me so I continued with a brave face.

I do feel very lucky to be at a very pretty campus and the autumnal views made it 10x better.

Semester 2

Semester 2 was so incredibly different, I'm not sure why or how but something clicked somewhere and I'm so happy it did. I started talking to more people and getting closer to the people I was already talking to and I laughed a lot more. I felt like myself more, I didn't feel like I was just going to university to attend this lecture or write this essay, it was to see the people there as well. When I came to finish for Easter, I genuinely thought "I'm going to miss these people", and I'm so happy I did. I think this post could have a very different ending to it if it wasn't for the fact that I've met some pretty cool people since September. 

Seminars and lectures were clicking. I was working towards my assignments. My proudest academic moment this semester has been the presentation I did, alone. I was absolutely dreading this, if you introduce me to new people the odds are I will be very silent for a bit until I have managed to assess their judgements of me or not but to do a presentation in front of people was the worst thing I could imagine. It was only a small group, but it was still a group. I worked really hard on it, I prepared for ages, and I volunteered to go first and I personally think I did a bloody good job. My grade reflected that initial gut feeling so hey, can't be wrong. I was always the one who did everything they could in secondary school to avoid doing presentations so there was an instant panic when I found out I'd be doing a presentation. 

I've definitely enjoyed semester 2 a lot more than semester 1 and don't feel like I want to drop out anymore. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I had to go to my campus the other day and I was walking through I did think that I'll probably miss it over the summer, and the people there. Onwards and upwards to next year! 

Until next week,
Lia x